Where Have I Been?

All you have to do is look at my blog to see that I have disappeared. Where on earth did I go anyway? It seems that my life and my thoughts have been kidnapped by my daughter. I never meant for this blog to be about my child so I will start a new one dedicated to my life as a mother.

This needs to be about my thoughts and my thoughts on God, life, relationship and love.

I have actually been giving my life with God some very deep thoughts as of late. Mostly because of Cheryl's deep seated desire to go to seminary. The thought of it totally and completely scares me to death. Money, time, security and relationship... so many things come to mind as this all begins to happen. She says that she knows that God has called her and it has been that way since she was 16 or 17. The trouble is that I don't feel it. I don't know about her call. I believe that she believes it. I don't 'feel' that undeniable need to do this HUGE thing. I've always heard that if one partner knows about their "call" then certainly the other will feel the same way. Well, I'm not feeling it. I've prayed about it. I've talked to God about it. I've talked to Cheryl about it. I get nothing except this from what I can only say is most likely God, "I don't need your permission." Got it.

The thing is that I am not asking for permission. I would never think that God couldn't act without my input. I'm sure that my advice to God is something that would be found to be quite amusing. No. What I am asking for is clarity. It's been said that true faith is doing without knowing. Acting without sure knowledge. Hope in that which we cannot see. All this is fine and good, but....(There it is BUT. The big BUT.) BUT in my past I have almost always known what was the right thing for me to do in life. Go here, do this, I'm with you. God's assurance that the hand of the Creator was in it every step of the way. There may have been many tears. There was most certainly anger, doubt and a certain level of rebellion, but the assurance of what I was to do was always there.

Right now there is nothing. That assurance from God isn't there for me. So, I'm going with the flow. Wondering how I am ever going to retire. I am concerned that Jaida will never get the college education she will need without a great deal of assistance. What will we do for health care should it come to that? Will our relationship suffer for this? I can only sit back and say, "Okay, God. This is going to take a miracle. Bring it on! I dare you."

I know sacrilege. Blasphemy. Shame on me for challenging God. Fine. You go right ahead and point a finger at me and say, "God will get you for that." One can only hope. I pray that God proves me wrong. I pray that my doubt is shown weakness to God's strength. I pray that the miracles pour so fast and so furiously that I can't begin to comprehend their number. Because that is what it is going to take if we are going to get through this in one piece, as one family. Pray for us. We're going to need it.